Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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