and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
