Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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