Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
