i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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