update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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