Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
