I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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