Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
How does it feel to date your dad?
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
