What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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