tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
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