apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
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If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
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Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
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