The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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