Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
