he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
