Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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