hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
