dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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