If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
