This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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