Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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