Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i think i have two assholes
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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