So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
