I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
