my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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