dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
