I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
