Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
