i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
