Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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