I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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