I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
My penis needs a shock collar
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with