I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
