i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
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You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
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I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
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