And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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