New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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