The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
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Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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