Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
