Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
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