You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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