you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
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