the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
