the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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