why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
So squirting runs in the family.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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