they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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