Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
