you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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