I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
