I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Randomize
