I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
