when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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