I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
