i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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