i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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