Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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