Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
