True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
